Making an anniversary out of everything
What is it with women turning the nice little things in life into a grand gift-exchanging, champagne-popping ceremony? We return home from a normal day at work to be met with a candle-lit dinner and an expensive looking gift but, quite frankly, it makes our heart stop. Have you done something wrong? Is it your birthday? My birthday? Oh silly me, it’s the anniversary of the first time we looked at each other. Please refrain from doing this, ladies. We have a hard enough time getting event dates right without being shouted at for not buying the dog a card to celebrate the anniversary of his first vaccination.
Piling the bed with cushions One would be mistaken for thinking that a bed is for sleeping in. We go to get our head down for the night, only to find the bed piled sky-high with strategically placed cushions that leave no room for us. What’s more, only a couple of these cushions actually have a purpose. We don’t need the tiny heart-shaped one or the big fluffy one that makes us sneeze – just a normal pillow to rest our head on will suffice. We don’t adorn the bed with DIY tools and model cars, so please tame your OCD (Obsessive Cushion Disorder) and stop making an elaborate display out of our bed so we can get down to the important stuff.
Asking men what they are thinking
It’s a classic example of how women like to test us, and possibly trick us into making the cardinal sin of admitting that we weren’t thinking about her at that particular moment. One minute we’re enjoying a cuddle, the next they’re hurling that question at us when we’re least expecting it. They say it so fast that we don’t have chance to make up a false reply or even to think straight, which leads us to stutter and then be accused of thinking of our ex. Asking what we’re thinking is basically a nice way of saying ‘you aren’t allowed to have private thoughts, unless they’re about me’
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Saying ‘I’m fine’, when you’re not happy So she stood in front of the television while the football was on, we got a bit iffy and snapped, and now all sorts of issues have been bought up. Then she says it – that passive-aggressive statement that marks the start of the dreaded silent treatment: “I’m fine”. Erm, are you really fine because you’ve just screamed at us until you’ve gone red in the face, and now you’re laying face down on the bed crying. If you’re unhappy just outline the problem and then we can sort it out and carry on as normal. Or – even better – don’t outline the problem and let us watch the football in peace.
Using sex as a weapon
One of the most annoying things that a woman can do is deny her man of sexual privileges. Some women seem to take great pleasure in using our weakness to their own advantage through the classic ‘if you don’t do this, we’re not having sex’ scenario. If you’re going to stop us from doing one thing, please don’t let it be sex. We don’t stop you from eating and drinking, so please don’t mess with our basic human needs either.
Being over-emotional
You cry at funerals, you cry at weddings, you cry at happy films, you cry at sad films. This makes us feel awkward because we just don’t know what to say or do when you’re sat sobbing all over our freshly ironed shirt. Where do all these tears come from? We think women should just have an annual crying day where they get together and cry for twenty four hours, before coming home and being normal for the other 364 days of the year. It would solve a lot of our problems.
Incessant talking (kupayuka payuka)
We’ve heard that women are estimated to say around 20, 000 words a day – which is an awful lot compared to the paltry 7, 000 estimated for men – so we understand that she needs to get her daily nattering fix, but why is it always at the most inappropriate times? She was quiet all the way through the family dinner when we needed her to break the awkward silence, but as soon as we start getting to the competitive part of a multi-player game with our friends, she just won’t shut up about how cute the neighbour’s cat looks when it sits next to the rose bush. To make it even more annoying, the actual part of the story she was getting at whilst rambling on about the neighbour’s cat, was that the cat’s owner now works at the grocery store down the road. Ladies, if you’re going to talk, pick the right moment and please, just get to the point.
